- kick everyone’s idiot ass
- teach them how to be real friends
- kick their asses again to enforce said teachings.
and had a hostess cupcake.
well, it’s day one. baby steps, right? (RIGHT?!!?)
i haven’t been here for months—literally—because i sort of checked out on the whole fitness thing. and you know, eating healthy thing. but i’m getting back in the game, and i’m starting with a new blog some come follow me here!!! pleeeeease!!!! :)
or you can just click here :)
…i know both of them link you. but i just wanted to give you two options. :)
far too early to do anything, let alone go to work.
i haven’t trained for the half marathon in the last two weeks, essentially. every time i run my heart starts racing, i’m thrown into a panic, or i start spazzing in my head. so i just haven’t, because it wasn’t fun anymore.
i don’t know if i want to do it.
i also don’t think i want to give up on it. i HATE quitting.
…something to think about.
although i probably should figure it out relatively soon, cause, you know, it’s in two months. so there’s that.
i know there will be other races in other cities at other times in my life. but i am not sure whether sitting down and saying, you’re right, i failed, i’m done, is going to be worth it. i just don’t know.
i think i need to start slowly. so here’s my new plan:
i know what healthy portions look like. i know how often i should eat. i also know that thinking about counting every calorie right now is a little overwhelming—it’s triggering things for me and i can’t do that. so i’m going to plan out my eating for every day and stick to it. no thinking. no counting.
i also know that exercising is important not only for weightloss but for sanity. the conundrum is that sometimes working out is just going to push me over the edge. so i’m going to do lots of things that are going to help bodily wellness. i’m going to try and go to the gym when running distances feels like too much, swim laps, do yoga when my heart rate is too high, learn how to meditate and do meditation when everything is too much, even yoga.
i think there are little things i can do every day that will help as well. moisturizing. shaving. jergen-tan my crazy tan lines. maybe whitening my teeth. these things probably seem really silly to everyone else, but to me, these little things are going to keep me feeling controlled, calm, relaxed. this is my plan.
my anxiety is super high.
i am more depressed than i thought i was/thought i should be.
i am unhappy with my eating choices.
i am unhappy with the size of my body.
i have spent the last year in a completely stagnant place, weight-wise.
i want to change it. i want to change everything. i want to keep moving.
maybe i can’t calorie count as strictly as i used to, and maybe i can’t train intensely for a half marathon every single day because my heart rate is just too high, maybe i can’t think about it the same way.
maybe i need to find a way to stop saying “i can’t” and rebuild and find the things i can do, i want to do, the things i say “i can and i will” to.
i need to listen to my body, but i also need to tell it to shut up and push myself a little bit instead of letting myself fall into a little hole of “no i can’t, i can’t i can’t i can’t just stop.”
i will figure this out. a plan will emerge.
tomorrow is the start of the summer. i’m eating clean, i’m actually cross-training instead of just running so that i don’t feel like an un-toned blob (and my muscles improve so i don’t feel like death after runs, cool), i’m figuring out positive solutions to the things i need to do.
that is all.